If you haven’t noticed, we like to titillate. Call it arrested development, call it dirty minds. For example, when the waiter asks if we’d “like anything else,” the voice in our head goes to all kinds of places–and we’re not talking dessert. We’re not ashamed. Getting dirty (even if it’s just in our imagination) is both fun and cheap, and a bitch on a budget can’t turn her back on cheap thrills (even if they’re all fantasies). So why are we admitting this now? Because we’re about to talk about the least dirty thing we know. That’s right, we’re going to talk about babies.

Since we’re being honest—this is bitch-to-bitch—babies are sexy’s anti-matter. You think we’re kidding? Consider the evidence at hand:

Babies turns lingerie into a support garment.

Staying up all night is sexy, until there’s a baby involved.

Focusing a camera on a bed is sexy, unless it’s attached to a baby monitor.

So why are we even talking about babies? Because, bitch, while it’s one thing to have your  bundle of cute joy liquidate your sexy surplus, it’s quite another to have extraneous baby merchandise bankrupt your savings account.

Without further ado, here are three things that every mother is told to buy, but which we think you can do without:

1. The wipes warmer. Is your grandmother a tough old broad? Well, nobody bothered to warm her wipes. Unless you live in an igloo, we think this is $20 that would be better spent on takeout.

2. The Diaper Genie. Nothing motivates a consumer like fear. Do you want to smell poop? You do not.  A Poop-Be-Gone system (all variations on the same theme, a technological marvel of a trash can and refillable liners) seems an easy solution. Here’s what you fail to anticipate: at some point a dirty diaper will EXPLODE while being fed into the patent-pending mechanism (this usually happens at night). The refills for What Poop?, What Poop II?, and Super-Whatcha-Talking-About Poop are non-compatible—and the convenience store never has the one you need. Consider this: wet diapers outnumber dirty by a factor of five or six to one. Our solution? If you’re using disposable diapers, get a small, lidded trashcan for the nursery. Pop the wet diapers in there. Save plastic grocery bags for those times when your little bundle of joy makes a bundle of misery—bag it and get that thing outside. You’ll save $300 a year on liners alone.

3. Barcalounger Highchairs. Everyone knows that babies drool, spit-up, spill, and throw food. So why the trend towards upholstered high chairs with all those nooks and crannies? We don’t get it. Let’s look at another population that has trouble eating without making a mess: bachelors. What do they prefer? That’s right: black leather sofas. If you find a black leather highchair, snap it up. Otherwise, we’d suggest molded plastic. IKEA makes one for $20. With all the time you’ll save in clean-up, think about all the fun you’ll have doing more pleasurable things!

Trust us, of all our fantasies about what we wanted to grow up to be, a modern day Heloise was not among them. But we’re always looking for ways to save a penny here and a penny there so we can go out and splurge on the really good stuff.

We were gifted this formula by a really nice professional carpet cleaner after he had been over once too often to clean up after the supersized poodle, Mr. Noodle.  Instead of that $99 dollar carpet cleaner’s visit, this solution, dubbed “Mr. Noodle’s Super Cleaner,” costs just pennies and is (almost always)  just as effective.  A big fat disclaimer: test this on a corner of the carpet to make sure it doesn’t wreck the fabric or turn it to some odd neon green color.

First remove whatever the mess is you are trying to clean.  Vacuum the area.  Fill a jar with 2 parts water, 2 parts white vinegar, 1 part alcohol, and 1-2 tablespoons Woolite.  Shake vigorously.

Once the area is cleaned, soak the stain with “Mr. Noodles” formula.  Use a clean white towel, apply pressure and blot up the liquid. Repeat this until you see most of the discoloration come up. (You may need several towels and lots of pressure. ) Then cover the stain with a thick wad of paper towels and place a stack of very heavy books on top.  Check back the next day.

Let us know how it works for you, and send us any other clever (or not so clever) household tips you’d like to share.