A snippet from Chapter 3 Bitches on a Budget:

No Money is No Excuse: Be A Healthy (and Thrifty) Bitch:

Just because your purse strings are tight, your anxiety level elevated, and the future of the free world uncertain, there are no excuses for sitting on the couch swilling martinis chased by boxes of Double Stuf Oreos and chocolate orgasm ice cream…Follow our advice  clean up your food act get your ass in gear and spend a little more time on the best free pleasure life has to offer. We guarantee hard times will never have looked–or felt–so good!

Since any motion is better than no motion, in order to help you to get moving we have a simple little test to determine what kind of exercising bitch you are. Here’s a little clip:

*Are you a Lazy Bitch?

She just can’t get it together to do anything. Every day in every way she means to get going. Tomorrow she’s going to start jogging, riding her bicycle, walking two blocks to the store instead of driving.  The next day arrives but it’s too cold out, she has a headache (the same one she had the night before when her husband  wanted to have sex), the laces are broken on her sneakers.

*Are you a Bitchy Bitch?

She hates exercise of any sort. She bitches and moans more than she works out. With unflagging hope she buys gear for each of her new, fabulous sports and activities. She begins each with the fervent belief that being properly outfitted will catapult her into the Boston Marathon, onto the LPGA tour, or the cover of Sports Illustrated. (You don’t have the heart to tell her that SI has nothing to do with women or sports—it’s all about men’s horny dreams).

*Or a Peppy Bitch?

She is just so happy to go and work out she just can’t get enough! So cheerful. Whether in her little tennis whites (racket in hand), Speedo swimsuit (goggles in hand), or pressed Bermuda shorts (nine iron in hand), she keeps to a routine. Coming back from her morning six miles… she gushes about her endorphin high, practically climaxing when she describes her squat thrusts.

*Or a Chill Bitch?

Tall, willowy body. Talks in long, slow, deliberate sentences, heavily modified and amended. Now she’s into power yoga, Pilates, cross-country skiing, and long day hikes. Most likely a vegetarian, cultivating her own farm because it’s the only way she can trust her sacred body ingests truly organic and ethical foods…

*Or a Killer Bitch?

She never plays nice and needs to win it all. She has no opinion about the Bitchy Bitch, the Chill Bitch, or the Peppy Bitch—in her quest to flatten them, she never even sees them.

OK OK, we may sound a little snarky, but we promise you won’t find any judgment in this book! You are who you are. Our job is to help you make the most of your type. (Full disclosure: we’re Bitchy Bitches and damn proud of it.)

While we’re talking about health and exercise, Shape Magazine featured  Bitches on a Budget!

Bitches on a Budget is published by the New American Library division of Penguin Books. Available at all booksellers and Amazon.