Beauty & Grooming


Pamper the Bitch. No, Not You! Your Pet
July 29th, 2010 | Comments

In the final chapter of our book we come to your very favorite bitch—no, not you! Your dogPamper the Bitch reminds you that sweet yapping Maxie still deserves some special treatment (even when your bankbook is whimpering). But you’ve gotta be smart. No overpriced doggie clothes or mani-pedis. We give you tips on affordable feeding, medical treatment, travel, entertainment. And if there’s no pet in your life, we outline the most economical, ethical ways to acquire one.

Don’t worry– we’ve got stuff for feline-lovers, too. We’re bitches after all, and know you like to pamper little pussy, too.

Here’s a sample:

Have fun like a dog. (Can you keep your mind clean for just one minute?) In these tight times dogs are the perfect companions. They remind us what’s important. They teach us to appreciate FREE things: friendship, play, the natural world. They require absolutely nothing but company, good nutrition, and exercise. So enjoy having Maxie. Get humble. Let her teach you a new way of being– this is a valuable lesson any time at all, but especially in a rough economy. Find pleasures in the little things. You know, snuggling, stroking, black leather collars…

Bitches on a Budget is published by the New American Library division of Penguin Books. Ask for it at your local bookshop or  Amazon.






“More Ideas than Bergdorf’s has Snobs”
June 7th, 2010 | Comments

Yesterday, The Star-Ledger of New Jersey, wrote a glowing review of Bitches on a Budget. Obviously, whenever anyone says something nice about our message we feel happy, but when someone who is a terrific writer says something nice about our writing, we positively shine.

Some snippets of what they had to say in yesterday’s paper:

“With a prose style that clickety-clacks across the page like stiletto heels on a marble floor, Rosalyn Hoffman gives pointers, tips, guidance and ploys for you to maintain, or attain, the glam of a glossy fashion mag. Clothes, home furnishing, vacationing, dining and, yes, plastic surgery, this book covers it all.”

“Some tips: The clothing at Walmart can be as stylish as at Neiman Marcus, and pleasure in a museum as seductive and romantic as a European spa. Dining out? Lunch at that expensive new restaurant everyone is talking about is cheaper than dinner.”

Best of all, they finish the review by saying “...this book has more ideas than Bergdorf’s has snobs. Buy it!”


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Mirror, Mirror off the Wall: The Biggest Beauty Bargain of All
June 7th, 2010 | Comments

We were thinking about all the money a gal spends on make-up and grooming products. You know: the Sephora binge and shame jaunts; the Duane Reade/CVS/Walgreen hair accessory pick-me-up-basket-fill-ups; the Avon lady calling and you buying all she’s selling visits.

When it occurred to us the biggest error most of us make when applying make-up or styling our hair is that we do it facing a mirror.

Huh? What’s wrong with looking straight into the mirror? Nothing and everything.  While you get a fabulous full frontal view, you miss all the nuanced dimensions of how people really see you. (Well, not exactly metaphysically, more superficially and three-dimensionally.)

So, the one key grooming and beauty item you should have in your arsenal is a hand held mirror. It’s the biggest beauty buy of all ($2.99 and up) to make sure the back of your hair is in concert with the front, the clips are pinned straight, and the make-up is blended smoothly back from the jaw into the neck line.

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Thrift, Virtue and Splurging
June 1st, 2010 | 1 Comment


When Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace prize it piqued our interest.  While we’re optimists by nature, we found ourselves a little worried. You know when a story climaxes too soon, the end result isn’t very satisfying. And we have very high hopes for the big O.  While we were debating the merits of the award, we thought back to Al Gore and his winning the Peace Prize for his work with the environment and climate change. How relevant to our work: conservation and careful use of resources are keys to being a modern woman living on a budget. President Carter and his Nobel Prize for brokering conflict resolution also comes to mind as our heart lusts after all those unaffordable but adorable things we once thought essential to our happiness. You know, like a day at the spa, dinner at Daniel, or that Narcisco leather jacket. We digress.  Anyway, it got us to thinking about thrift and virtue.

Since everything is about us (isn’t it?), we began to wonder if there shouldn’t be a prize for being thrifty. Don’t we too deserve a reward for being so mindful and careful about how we’re spending our precious resources? What’s more virtuous than thrift? Then we started to get nervous. Images of thrift started floating by: a wingback chair, a needlepoint stool, little tabby lapping a wholesome plate of milk, Aunt Jenny saving rubber bands. It’s safe and sensible being thrifty. But do we want to be so prudent all the time? No, not really.

Remember in our “Whap!” post we talked about the devil and the angel sitting on your shoulders helping you resolve your purchasing conflicts? How in our brownie recipe we talked about teasing your palate with different sensory sensations? Well, contrasts are what make life worth living; without the ups and downs where would we be? (Okay, on Prozac.) But how would we ever experience joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, love and hate?

We’d live a very boring and passionless life if we didn’t on occasion act on that little lust engine that drives us. (Think planting peanuts versus running Worldwide Pants.) After all, lust is the fuel that propels us forward. It’s green (the color of envy) and it’s renewable. The trick is for you to be your own lust-master.   On the surface it should be easier for us than for boys, but have you seen Alexander McQueen’s new collection? Yes, we want to be thrifty, but not all the time. Learn to be your own conflict resolution negotiator; by saving and conserving you’ll have the flexibility to go out and have a satisfying good splurge. A great splurge should bring peace (if not a peace prize)—not saddle you with anxiety or buyer’s remorse.

While we’re budget gurus, we recognize the eternal yin-yangness of life on earth. And so we celebrate the splurge as well as the conservation. We laud the new and shiny as well as the old and worn.

Tell us: what’s the biggest and best splurge in your recent memory?

This is an updated ‘oldie but goodie’ from Bitches on a Budget.

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Einstein, Mascara and Chicken Wings
May 21st, 2010 | Comments

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The truth of the matter is we’ve been inside writing for far too long and are looking kind of pasty. So we got a little over excited when we popped into Sephora for a little afternoon pick-me-up. Since we’re only human, we waaaaaay overbought. You know how that cosmetics candy rush feels—so many products, so many colors, so many forms to play with: brush on, roll on, schmear-on, hard, soft, foaming…

We went in for a new blush and found ourselves overwhelmed searching for the right color, the right viscosity, the right whatever-it-is that would make us happy (okay we know a tall order for any modern woman let alone a bitch on a budget). In short, we needed help. (BTW, only ask for help from people whose makeup looks good on them; some of the salespeople looked ready for Halloween). Since we haven’t been out much and were feeling kind of bumpy and gray, we were very vulnerable. (more…)






Spa Free
May 11th, 2010 | Comments

base_mediaNo more nasty aerosols or overpriced faux- scented potpourri for us! A thrifty bitch brews up her own home scents. Mix herbs and spices with a cup or two of  water. Bring to a boil , turn to a slow simmer and release the delicious fragrance. We love a mixture of  cloves, cardamom, and cinnamon.  Make your own combinations using rosemary, lavender, peppercorns, juniper berries,  star anise, orange peels… Spa for free.

Try it and send us your favorite home brews.






Nothing Nailed Down in our Polish-Until Now
April 26th, 2010 | 1 Comment

We’re totally fickle bitches when it comes to our nail polish.

Maybe it’s because when it comes to a committed relationship nothing really sticks. As soon as the salon door closes behind us we nick an edge or smear a corner. It doesn’t matter if we sit for twenty minutes or an hour, apply high or low price polish, have a great or poor manicurist–we’re  a walking nail disaster. So, when it comes to a color or brand commitment, we feel totally justified in playing the field. That may all change now.

We are mad, crazy, wild for the color palette and products at  butter LONDON nail lacquers. Fash Pack, The Artful Dodger, MacBeth– all their fab colors have us weeping with joy. Better yet, as they say,  they’re committed to products made ”without those chemical nasties… No Formaldehyde, No toluene, and No DBP (Phthales). Ever.”

Nothing has ever been nailed down in our polish–but now we’re madly in love and it’s transformative. Those once annoying little chips are now just an excuse for a color change.






Contest #10: Do It Yourself (it’s way more satisfying) v. 2.0
April 6th, 2010 | 14 Comments

The only way to get surefire pleasure? To get that special, private satisfaction of meeting your own needs on your own terms?  Three little words, baby:

Do it yourself. A bitch has two hands and shouldn’t be afraid to use them.

Oh, get your head out of the gutter. We’re talking home projects, grooming products, wardrobe ideas. We want to know how you please yourself, what you make, how you make it, what you save, and (most importantly) how it brings you bitchin’ pleasure.

So today we’re announcing… drumroll/trumpet solo/tambourine shake/kazoo squeal…  it’s officially DIY 2.0!

We’re so excited to launch into our second version of our DIY contest, and we want to hear from you. Tell us what you do yourself. Be specific. Include a pic if you want. Post your entry in the comment box above this post by April 15. (You’ll be needing to find good money savings tips on that day.)  Best entry wins fame and fortune! Well, a copy of BITCHES ON A BUDGET, anyway. Plus its author and her (or his) ideas will be featured on the B Hive! Enter now. Enter often. You know you want to.






B’s Give Back: True Beauty
March 20th, 2010 | 2 Comments

Saturday is the day we share your stories about giving to others.

Please write in and tell us about what you do. How do you use your particular talents/strengths/skills to help others? When money and time are tight, how can you get creative about giving back?

Today we’re featuring the lovely Emma Bains, who lives on the Mississippi Gulf Coast and works her magic at Tanya Tancredi Salon and Spa in Gulfport, Mississippi.

Emma writes:

As an esthetician, I have the God-given talents to help others look and feel better about their appearance. As an esthetician who has lost two immediate family members to cancer, I want to give to others struggling with their illness and hopefully make them feel a little better in the process. Thus, the reason I volunteer my services to conduct the American Cancer Society’s, Look Good Feel Better classes in my community. My services include teaching patients to apply makeup donated by caring companies that conceals the effects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. It’s amazing what teaching a woman how to correctly draw an eyebrow, where one once grew, can do for her self-confidence! Also, I teach them about proper skincare during their treatment periods and how to help make it look, and feel, normal.

Being a southern girl, my grandmother and my mother, always taught me to never go out in public without my lipstick!  As unnecessary as I perceived this to be then, I came to understand that the reasoning behind their “nagging” was it would make me feel better, and I would be better motivated to take on my day!  The LGFB program reinforces these same beliefs.  My goal is to be their motivator, and remind them how beautiful they are, even with no hair!

As a Bitch on a Budget, and a single mother, I have tightened my (already tight) financial belt, to the point that my contributions to charities were getting smaller. However, volunteering my time to LGFB fills that void. Teaching LGFB actually gives me a spiritual uplift when I see these beautiful, strong women smiling, laughing and leaving the classes with newfound confidence in their appearance, and attitudes toward fighting their cancer. I leave knowing they are going to beat their cancers too! If anything, I am the one who leaves with a new feeling of self-worth, and to these heroic women, I am thankful.

So, while I was looking to give back to my community during tight times, it is giving back to me too!

Thanks for this empowering message, Emma.

Now, readers, tell us how YOU give back. Click “comments” above. Inspire us!






The Mother of Invention
March 19th, 2010 | 1 Comment

Mama B’s of babies and toddlers don’t usually have time for lots of make-up—most women we know apply moisturizer and lip balm and call it a day. We’re always on the lookout for quick, cheap beauty tips, and recently, by sheer serendipity, we discovered a good trick.

A certain inquisitive two-year-old got into our make-up bag. Eager to explore the magic of twisting lip balm containers, this toddler broke off our favorite, practically unused Weleda EVERON lip balm. Arg. We were about to toss it in the trash when it occurred to us that we’d be better off saving the broken balm. We found a tiny plastic container, smashed the balm inside, then added a small bit of our favorite intense red lipstick (a splurge, which we feel guilty for not using more). The result? Best made-to-order lip tint we’ve ever used.  Hands down. Totally wearable and sheer, need no mirror to apply. If you’ve got lipsticks in shades you love but you aren’t in a lipstick-wearing frame of mind, mix a dab with good clear balm and color yourself gorgeous.