It’s mid-September and everyone is back at school and you’re not.

You know that feeling when summer ends and the leaves begin to fall and you feel like your life should change.  You always wondered why those romantic poets used spring as their metaphor for new beginnings.  Surely it was fall with the advent of the new school year that you felt the stirring of a fresh start (heads out of the gutter girls –it’s a different kind of stirring than you felt for that cute guy in Chem. I).

Yes you were so happy in the spring to be done with finals. You never wanted to pull another all nighter. No nasty administrators to foul up your schedule or unfair teachers forcing you to grade haggle. Ten o’clock classes three mornings a week intruding on your beauty sleep –finished. Yes, blissful summer freedom beckoned. So what if you were bagging groceries at minimum wage or working at the local summer camp as the designated archery specialist (despite your inability to lift the crossbow to your shoulder). You knew it would end.  When the air crisped and the apples ripened that first day back at school was a red-letter day.

And now that you’re all grown up, the end of summer doesn’t signal much except the same monotonous tough workweek. No cute new boys in class to fantasize about and no fresh new clothes on your mom’s nickel.  Face it, that morning Expos Writing class is looking pretty damned fine.

How’s a clever bitch to replicate that back to school feeling ?

When was the last time you went to your local library? Was it the time you returned long overdue books? Okay we share your pain.  We too remember the librarian with half readers staked midway on her nose, held in place by ancient black croakies repaired at the hook end with duct tape. With obvious scorn she looked back at us as we made a weak excuse for the tardy return of our borrowed books. Slowly and deliberately she opened and scanned each and every volume. A little bleep sounded with each pass, a cue for her to announce in a loud voice into that silent echoing space, the accrued fine for each book. Everyone stared. (Just like being in school when your Shakespeare teacher chewed you out for handing in a term paper late.)

Yes, it has been a long time since you took a book out of the library.  Be brave. Go back and try again. You are less busy now. Electronic gadgets have been invented to remind you to return the books (www.libraryelf.com).  Go to the library to experience that feeling of possibility you once felt at the beginning of each school year. Trust us walk into those silent halls, cruise through the stacks, snag a prime table (no one will be there camping out for finals) and for just a moment you’ll be back at school.  Besides, there is no greater thrill (well, we can think of one) than being surrounded by books.

It’s way more satisfying than spending your day off shopping for things that cost you hard earned cash that may temporarily give you a shopping high but leave you feeling kind of empty in the morning.

Best of all for a bitch on a budget the library is free and you even get to bring their goodies home with you!

Hurricanes have a way of putting us all in our place. Really. Are you stuck at home? The power is unreliable. The television, internet, phones are all down. What’s a girl to do?

Play fun and games the old fashioned way. Need some ideas?

From the book, Bitches on a Budget.

“Scrabble, Chess, Backgammon, Monopoly, Parcheesi, Taboo, Charades, Rummy-O, Kings, Hearts. Have you forgotten how much fun this was? Games are not just for vacation or random rainy afternoons. Organize evening events around these classics.     Need incentive? Consider a lusty game of strip poker. Get bawdy and bare with truth or dare. Change the rules of Monopoly…

Bridge does sound so mid-century, so Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore’ish, so twin-beds-for-married-couples. Don’t let that put you off. After all, mid-century modern style is so chic right now, once you learn this you’ll be addicted….

Mah Jong. Yes, we want to learn how to play this game…. the tiles and sets are stunningly beautiful. Still, we’re a little nervous. Most of the people we know who play are really nice, but also belong to the Red Hat society. You’ve seen them. Grown-up women, clad for no good reason in purple clothing, going out together … We’re stumped….”  Still we’re in–to play Mah Jong, that is!

We love pretend, fantasy stuff, so charades is always an oldie but goodie. Remember? You silently act out titles of books, movies, TV shows, or the names of famous people. The last time we played everyone was on the floor howling, wishing they were wearing Depends. Be a provocateur. Force your competitors to act out titles like “The 400 Blows” or “The Joy of Sex” or “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” ….

What games do you play?

The Artist in His Museum by Charles Willson Peale

From the exhibition The Great American Hall of Wonders at the Smithsonian American Art Museum 

Has it been unrelentingly hot where you live? Too hot to walk? Too hot to bike? Too hot to…ok, we won’t go there.  Are you on the hunt for other stimulating, but cool, activities?

Inside a mall is refrigerated and deadening. You’ve already seen the one great summer blockbuster worth watching. Another trip to the supermarket? Uh. We don’t think so. When was the last time you went to a museum? Trust us, nothing is cooler than the thrill of a curated collection.

From Bitches on a Budget:

Admit It

You mean to go to the museum. You read about the blockbuster Tintoretto or Chuck Close show that’s coming soon and make a mental note to get your a** over there. But what happens? It’s raining and surely the museum will be crowded, it’ll be hard to park, you don’t want to get wet. Or it’s gorgeous outside; why go to the musuem when you can ride your bike or play Frisbee? But then the day slides by with no Frisbee, and you become increasingly bored and desperate. You end up arranging to meet a friend for lunch and a quick shop.

But the restaurant’s crowded and mediocre. You spend good money for that extra pound you didn’t need and see through blouse you really didn’t like. Your ‘friend’ fills you in on your ex-boyfriend , how he’s found eternal happiness in the arms of some bimbo. You feel overweight, broke, rejected. And you could have gone to the museum. What were you thinking?

Chill out at your local museum.

Almost a year ago today we wrote this piece during a scorching heat wave. (Sound familiar?)

Spring is here and for those of you in the hunt for fresh air and free entertainment we have a plan.

From our book, Bitches on a Budget:

“If you’re a closeted bird fetishist, come on out! No need to be shamed, even if you do have that habit of making bizarre sounds to draw birds to you. We admire you for your love of nature, your thriftiness, your incredible powers of observations (though not so much for your fashion sense).

And you who sit in judgment of those feathery fetishists—get over yourselves! Bird people know the absolute best places. You can learn a thing or two about gorgeous (and free) spots to visit, about slowing down, about listening, from those binoculared bitches. Think you need the rainforest for otherworldly scenery? Think you need a Japanese monastery to get all chilled out and Zen? Think again. Go to Audubon.org to find the sanctuary nearest you.

Nature and New Jersey you thought an oxymoron? Get over your prejudices. Head over to Cape May famous for seabirds in summer and birds of prey in fall.  Plus you’re just three hours from New York City, two hours from Philadelphia. Get your nature fix, then head to the urban areas and hit some of the best art museums in the world.”